The Letter

This letter came for me the other day....

Hey Fatso,

I am penning this rebellion to inform you that I am severing all ties with you and your abuse. Your unfair treatment of me over the years has left me with no choice but to terminate a relationship that has strained me to no end. I find myself on the brink of self destruction with little choice but to emancipate myself from your evil ways.

When this relationship began we had an understanding. You never put me through any pain. You never had unrealistic expectations for me. I helped you struggle through your homework, played video games with you late into the evening, and even helped you out with the ladies (what a team we were). If you had an itch, I’d scratch it. If you were famished, I would feed you. I would even help you with certain dirty deeds that no one should endure. We were friends then, with a relationship built of mutual trust and appreciation.

Then you found that evil DEMON. I didn’t realize how little she cared for me at first. I told myself that was just part of a new relationship, idiotically convincing myself that perhaps over time her and I would become friends. I was wrong. As you two grew closer she began coercing you to mistreat and abuse me.

On days when I had just had enough she was there, urging you to press me past my limits. When things didn’t go as planned she whispered in your ear that I was to blame. If I helped you succeed she would hog your attention as you shrugged off the tumult and terror I transgressed on your behalf.

I became more and more fatigued, yet your abuse augmented nonetheless. You pressed on, though you could sense the enormous tension coursing through me. Occasionally I would scream in agony at the atrocities you compelled me to endure. A once wonderful friendship faded fast. Over time I became your slave, a prisoner to the passion for your mistress. Like Shel Silverstein’s Giving Tree i kept giving to you no matter how you mistreated me. My love for you kindled my hope that one day you would realize the evils that had transgressed. As years passed my hope dwindled to but a flickering flame awaiting that one final gust to snuff me out. Bruised and battered I kept on, bending at your will and stretching to lengths unimaginable.

The other day you spent hour upon hour tormenting me in a futile attempt to satiate your vile lover. I flailed about as your madness took me past my limits into an arid realm of hell I do not wish upon my greatest enemy. I blacked out only to awaken in a crumpled heap as you sobbed to yourself about your lack of achievement.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. You have stretched me to my breaking point and i have finally SNAPPED. Its now your turn to coddle me. You can massage my weary body. You can nourish me and listen to my lamentations. You can idly stand by and subsist on nothing but the hope that the day of my recovery comes. You can tell your evil mistress that she can piss off. You two are nothing without me and should be thankful I am still alive.

It will take months for me to recover from the fragile state of being you have reduced me to. I may never be my former self and you have only yourself to thank. I will live my life in fear of the demon that reduced me to the shattered mess I now am.

I hope this letter exposes you for the villain you are. May you and that banshee Mrs. Rock Climbing drown in a vat of boiling butter.

No longer yours you unappreciative wretch,

-Mr. Index Finger Tendon.