A Very Boofy Christmas

A Very Boofy Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all cross the walls

Not a climber was crimping, or taking lead falls.

The ropes were all hung from the tippity top.

To save the top ropers from a big scary drop.

The boulderers were nestled all snug on their mats,

Wearing tiny ass shoes and tiny ass hats.

And I in a onesie, with white padded feet,

Put on some Jay-Z, and danced to the beat.  

When out in the alley there arose such a clatter,

I shrieked and eeked as I ran down the ladder.

Away to the exit I flew like a flash,

Fearing some hoodlum to be after my cash.

The moon abreast on the trash all around,

Made it all still look gross and dirty and brown.

When what to my wondering eyes did I see,

But Raff dressed as Santa sipping Hennessy.

I thought to myself “this is pretty damn weird”

Then slinked away as the jolly drunk neared.

More rapid then whippers the setting crew emerged, 

and Raff called them out as the scary men surged.

Now Davey, now Grodzki, now Haggs, and Yozzie.

On Joshy, on Veazie, on Thom and the Aussie.

To the top of the boulders to the top of the cave,

they came at the walls like teens to a rave.

As dry leaves and fire do make conflagration,

The setters they sprang to each climbing station.

Up to the rope tops they all quickly rose,

Shouting out curses, and the lowest of blows.

And then, on the boulders, I heard someone stumbling,

The imposter of Santa appeared to be bumbling. 

Raff swigged from his bottle and gazed all around

Then, at the stairs, tumbled strait to the ground.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toes,

But his clothes were now bloodied by a leak from his nose.

With a bundle of holds flung over his shoulder,

He created some mischief at every boulder.

His eyes how the wandered, his breath how it stank,

His suit all covered by the drinks that he drank.

His droll little mouth was stuck in a smirk,

Seemed that any second he might go berserk.

The stump of a cigar he held tight in his jaw,

You could tell he feared not for breaking the law.

He had broad shoulders and arms like a tree,

And i smelled his BO as he came closer to me.

I think he had a chubby, tucked in his sweat pants,

Of this i became certain when he started to dance.

A wink of an eye and a twist of his head, 

soon gave me to know there was plenty to dread.

He spoke not a word, sticking solely to his work,

Creating the climbs of the cleverest jerk.

He was done within minutes, he really did cruise, 

Which worked out for him and his bottle of booze.

.

Then he sprang out the door, to his team he did yell,

and I was excited to finally be rid of their smell.

But i heard him exclaim, ‘ere he departed,

“I sandbagged them all, and I also just farted.”