No Big Deal

Who's got the funk?? I'VE GOT THE FUNK!!! No, I am not referring to my awe inspiring dance moves. Seriously America, I've got talent. I am also not referring to the terrible odor which sometimes emanates due to my abundance of testosterone. These pits can get FUNKY! I'm not even talking about how I used to be able to rock out on a Clarinet...what a lady killer I was. What I AM talking about is the Greater than Great Depression I have been cast into after ripping off my damn toe in dodgeball and missing out on a trip to Hueco Tanks. No Big Deal right? FUNK THAT NOISE! HUECO TANKS! THE GOD DAMN QUINTESSENCE OF ALL THAT IS BOULDERING!!! HUECO TANKS!!! HIGHBALLS TO BOGGLE THE EYEBALLS! HUECO GOD DAMN TANKS!!! THE CHUCK NORRIS OF THIS WHOLE CLIMBING GAME!!!! oh funk it all....

(paradise lost)

"So Boof, what happened? I mean you just ripped off your toe?"

YUP.

While playing dodgeball, yes dodgeball, I was surging forward for a ball and it seems my big toe folded under my foot. We play in socks if you are having trouble with the visualization. Keep in mind this was the semifinals on tournament night and I may have had a couple swigs of JD to help keep me focused. At the time I felt like I stubbed my toe and tore my sock (hint, it wasn't my sock). I shrug it off because its finals night and I had some mofos to slaughter with my dodgeball skills. Just swallow the pain and play on.

I then proceeded to play dodgeball being the only player left against four. I had a surge of the most insane energy and began hurling balls like Dragonball Z and catching like Randy Moss. I was even screaming bloody murder every time I threw. The tide turned and we were moments from victory. Then, a loud whistle blow rose above the ruckus of the action. Turns out I was running on a bit of an adrenaline rush.

The Ref, "DUDE! You can't keep playing like that!"

"WHAT! WHY!" I yell back,  like a speed head crashing to reality.

"Look at the ground" he says.

I look at the ground and there is blood EVERYWHERE. We are talking some NC 17 type of gore. That's weird right? So I remove my green skeleton sock (which is now RUINED! DAMMIT!) and it appears that I have ripped my toe off. Whoops. There's even these white blobs of fat hanging out. I know, I know, too much information. But seriously, WHITE FAT BLOBS! hanging out of my toe. Who'd a thunk.

(bringing sexy back)

So, 9 stitches later the prognosis is that I ripped my toe open from the force and there seems to be no bone or tendon damage. Gosh o Golly, what a lucky duck right?

WRONG!

DON'T YOU REMEMBER! I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO HUECO GOD DAMMIT!

no big deal, no big deal, no big deal....

Nothing to worry about, I mean its great in New England in the winter and I love the cold, yum yum cocoa and chicken soup and big hugs. No big DEAL! I love it when during February break i get to stay at Metrorock and help all the screaming chittlins who for some damn reason have the whole week off from school!!! No BIG DEAL! I love donating money to the airlines, they are really in need of some charity. NO BIG DEAL!!! I HATE WARMTH AND SUNSHINE AND GOING TO A WORLD CLASS CLIMBING PARADISE!

If you are like me, and many a climber is, than you have found yourself stuck in this funk. You get psyched on an upcoming climbing trip and train your ass off, trying to become a climbing machine with a single purpose mission to seek and destroy all things climbable at your planned destination. Than, SMASH, your body pulls an "et tu Brute" and stabs you in the back, or in my case, rips off your toe. You are now left with no hope but to careen into an emotional well of suffering and anguish.

So what do we do with all this damn funk? James Brown might say we should "Get up off that thang." Personally I would rather grab on tight and crash into this sadness meteor style.

So here's my solution.

Step 1 - Self medicate: Perhaps a slow steady ride down Knob Creek is just what I need...smooooth.

Step 2 - Eat, Santa, eat: Use pity points. "Honey I could really go for some chinese....." (Insert pouty face and point to foot) Soon you will introducing your good friend General Gau will be visiting you on the Creek.

Step 3 - Vegetate:  It is high time I Hop aboard the Hogwarts express and watch all 8 Harry Potter movies in a row and than for a hand workout I can murder me some zombies on the Wii.

(Do you feel lucky?)

Step 4 - Recharge: Now time to sleep, A LOT. This immobility is taxing. It's high time I recuperate.

Step 5 - Rinse and Repeat.

Climbers need to take breaks and sometimes getting forced to take one is a fantastic prescription. Right?
Time to smash the lego puzzle that is my body to pieces and rebuild. Yeah! and Hueco, who needs Hueco right? I can just head to local Lincoln Woods, climb to the top of the pond boulder, and plummet into the welcoming watery abyss. No Big Deal. Right?

(Well, do you...punk?)