Old Climbers Syndrome

It has been a month since I turned 30 and despite all of the warnings from my older friends, things feel different.  Maybe it's the fact I can't distinguish between college kids and high schoolers or the fact that AARP is sending me mail.  Either way, 30 has made me feel old.  Thoughts of marriage, buying a home and adopting an Asian baby have found their way into my mind.  Part of my paycheck goes to something I can't touch for 35 years.  This shit is all too adult for me, luckily I have climbing.  At least that is what I thought, until I realized I am suffering from Old Climbers Syndrome.

The expression, "those damn kids" has escaped my mouth a few times since turning 30.  It has yet to sink to the level of taking their belay device if they leave it in my yard, but I'm getting close.  Seriously, these kids these days!  They have no respect for their elders.  Can I not try my project in peace without having a swarm of middle school brats flash it?  No respect I tell ya, no respect.  Not to mention they never say "sir or ma'am" in my day we asked the old people if we could crush their projects before laughing behind their backs!  Kids these days, I blame the facebooks and mtvs.  Maybe I'll reconsider my policy on keeping their belay device if it ends up in my yard.

The most embarrassing moment of Old Climbers Syndrome occurred while bouldering.  I was climbing with a beautiful young lady who was admiring my prowess and skill despite my receding hairline.  After completing a few problems, things were getting a little steamy.  We moved to a sitting position on the boulder pad and she asked, "why is it so soft?"  I told her the truth; age, my bouldering pad has never been as stiff as it was when it was younger.  No matter the amount of hot and heavy climbing going on, my bouldering pad just never seems to be as firm.  Maybe I need to try one of those supplements?

My climbing wardrobe has begun to suffer from the pressures of Old Climbers Syndrome.  I cannot seem to get my harness high enough up on my hips.  I used to wear it real low, like a gun slinger.  Now, it just doesn't feel safe unless I can reach my gear loops and my nipples at the same time.  Also, I am disappointed in the lack of white shoes with velcro straps.  Five Ten, Evolv take note there is a whole population of older climbers who don't want any bells and whistles, we just want white climbing shoes, maybe with a cushy heal that velcro!

The last and saddest affliction of Old Climbers Syndrome is I have been relegated to creepy old guy at the gym.  It seems like only a month ago when I was standing with my tongue hanging out staring at the one woman in the climbing gym, she'd flash me a smile or ask me for beta.  Now, the nice ones just roll their eyes at me and the mean ones tell me I am creepy.  Of course a few of the more platinum blonde girls will politely ask me if I am a lawyer or a doctor but upon my negative answer they walk away quickly.

this is how an Old Climber starts his day

To the younger readers please enjoy your youth.  I am living proof it won't last forever.  2011, I was unemployed, climbing all the time, slaying the ladies (I talked to one once).  Now, thanks to Older Climbers Syndrome, I'm just another shirtless old man in the gym.  So when you see me, please feel free to come up to me ask if I'm lost or to tell you a story from "in my day."  I'll be the old man wearing white climbing shoes, chasing kids and chugging vitamins.  Actually, now that I think about it, in my days rock climbing was a lot different...