Less Than Sponsored: January 2013

Perched in the crow's nest, looming over the sea of spectators, I cranked the volume dial and brought the bass booming to trembling zenith. Notorious Dark Horse MC Bryan Rafferty was bedecked in a blue tuxedo and top hat that could earn him an invitation to join the Mad Hatter for tea. As the beats blared MC Raff announced as climbings smartest young lady, Adrianna Jacobsen, promptly dispatched problem #1. Amidst the growing excitement I thought to myself, "Are you not entertained?" These modern gladiators are going to make us climbing mortals realize the true breadth of their power. Hell, they may even earn their freedom, or perhaps just a fat stack of crispy cash.

As the women's finals continued the excitement of the room grew to a bubbling boil. Each contender establishing new high points. As the three heavyweights of the evening duked it out it was clear we had ourselves a rumble. Each of these ladies had won a Dark Horse earlier in the season and all were hungering for their second course. Isabelle Faus was on a clear mission to mutilate, while Angie Payne's cool calm demeanor was hard not to root for. The Floridian jaguar, Megan Martin, got off to a bumpy start on problem #2 but the fire in her stare was proof of her determination to make up for it with the final two problems.

Turning the big fat music dial a few notches to the right the crowd and I were now ready for problem #4. With MC Raff amping up the crowd, Isabelle Faus took to the wall. Wasting no time, Faus effortlessly blazed through the section that had thwarted the previous attempts of others. Battling on she quickly established a new high point and a comfortable lead. Damn! She is strong. Megan Martin, needing a flash, shed her shirt in proper problem 4 fashion. She quickly rotated through the complex and powerful opening sequence but in the end her unparalleled power was a lemon drops squeeze short of pulling her through the sloper pinch crux. This left veteran Angie Payne to tackle Faus from her saddle atop the Black Stallion of climbing prestige.

Until this point both Faus' and Paynes' finals outcomes were identical, flashing problem #1 and #2 and crushing their way to the penultimate sloper on the evasive #3. If Payne wanted the win she needed to hit a new high point. Breezing though the start Payne creeped into the crux section. With new ankle breaking heel hook beta, Payne threw herself at the crux section time after time, reaching Faus' high point. As I watched her twisted foot I waited for it snap off as she contorted it into positions that made my foot blush. Dirty. Still no go. Giving the universal MAKE SOME NOISE arm wave Payne beckoned for the crowds support on her las effort. Not wanting to let this climbing goddess down the crowds cheering boomed like a Kansas City thunderstorm. Try as she may, the veteran could not break new ground on problem #4. As the countdown clock ticked its way to zero, it was Faus who remained triumphantly perched atop the demon eyed steed.

Intermission came to a close as the changeover blasted up the Men's finals at lightening speed. The men all made mince meat of the cat dyno finish for Men's #1. As the finalist burned through the first few problems, Paul Robinson seemed poised to take the crown with 2 flashes and a top. However the pure power of #4 proved to be this superman's Cryptonite, leaving the crown available for the taking.

Coming just short of the finish on #3 Nick Picarella zoned out for problem #4. As he approached the powerfest before him Nick's eyes were a blazing inferno. This man needed a flash. Perched feet away from the finishing jug I watched as Nick attacked this problem as a legendary warrior would charge headfirst into a wave of adversity. A few move's in it became clear where this was going. With an Aura of determination pulsating through him and hyper charging the crowd Picarella went Chuck Norris on this problem. As Norris would slam a revolving door, Picarella slammed his hands down on the jug finish, Unleashing a guttural below that would scare a Gorilla. I half expected him to backflip off the finishing jug. He was now the man to beat.

Unfortunately for him the Dark Horse attracts super humans from all across North America, and returning champion Daniel Woods had no plans of giving away his title. With 2 flashes and a top nothing short of a miracle would stop Woods from using the competitors bones to make his bread. Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum, Woods came to Boston to get it done. As Jack easily climbed up the Magic Beanstalk, Woods trounced his way up problem 4. Damn it must feel good to be a gangstah. There was no toppling this giant.

In the coming minutes the three champions of the earlier comps tried in vain to knock 2 time Dark Horse champion Woods from his elevated mount. Young Gun Josh Levin couldn't pull of the insane deadpoint on #3 and even invented some of the gnarliest beta of the night in the process. Jimmy Webb and Vasya Vorotnikov both came at it like the beasts they are known to be but in the end Woods was left to gallup off into the sunset, and home to Colorado with prize money.