Dirty Boltholes and Other Fly Tricks

A voice breaks into my consciousness as I ponder a very important question. Is it dirty to put my finger in the bolt hole? It’s there, awaiting my strong grip . My thumb slides into it ever so easily. Doing so will make it easier to bring this wild ride to an end. If I choose not to I may flail about for hours only to end up walking away limp and unsatisfied. Why would I not take advantage of the holds willingness to let me ease my finger on in and send away?

This question crossed my mind the other day when I saw people flailing on a climb that had a bolt hole just begging to be pinched. Begging like a puppy after its first taste of Beggin Strips. I walked up to the climb and got to the section that people were struggling on. The top of the hold was extremely slopey (yum yum) and the bolt hole sat right below the base of the slope. It was perfect placement for a left thumb pinch. I jammed my thumb deep in there and squeezed like lemonade. As I did this I was greeted by a few boos from those that were climbing. When i dropped off the finish hold to the floor I was promptly labeled a “cheater.” FOUL BALL! Sorry yall, but I am going to have to go ahead and say...BULLSNAP. Here is an SAT question I made up for those haters.

Cheating is to climbing as

A. NWA is to Strait Outta Malibu

B. Sex is to The Champagne Room

C. Adam Sandler is to Making Great Films

D. Fraggle Rock is to Why did they eat those poor little construction workers buildings?

If you chose B, then you get a 10 on your Boof Exam. Well done. If you chose D, then seriously man? What's up with that? Those stupid green marshmallow men worked all day and then a fraggle walks by and..nom....nom...nom...hard days work is gone. What kind of lesson is a small little Boof supposed to take away from that? OK, back on track. Point being, there is NO cheating in climbing.

This brings up another funny story. I was climbing one day and was having trouble with one move in particular. I realized that if I rested my knee completely on a hold that I could make the move with ease. I did so and immediately heard a sneer emit from somewhere behind me. A fellow climber saw me do this and scoffed.

“Boof, you can’t use your knees.”

I dropped down, and looked over at him with pity.

“According to who?” I retorted with an acid tongue.

"You just can't, it's cheating"

Well, well, well, he sure put me in my place.

Oh, and this on really tickles my silly spot. CLimbers get labeled cheaters when not using both starting holds on a climb. Climbing is all about the discovery of sequence. In discovering this sequence it is your job as a thinker to eliminate the excess that makes the climb more difficult. Being a setter, I have seen many a mastermind break my beta and use but a single hold when I intended the use of two. I say, Bravo to them. Thats my error as a setter (shame on you Boofalicious). It is my job to force the necessity of using both holds. If it’s easier to omit one than go Nike on that piece and Just Do It. Just like if someone skips a hold in a climb they are not cheating. They are thinking outside of the box and that is an essentiality to anyones development as a climber.

The beauty of climbing, both inside and outside, is that there are virtually no rules (and hence no CHEATING). Rule #1 - start the climb, Rule #2 - don’t fall or touch the ground, and Rule #3 - finish the climb. Other than that it’s a race between you and gravity and you better fight dirty if you want to win. If there is a small crimp feature on the wall have at it. If there is a small divot in the wall that will accept the pressure of your rubbered toes than press away. With the holds themselves, as with outside, use any available surface or feature to get to the finish.

In a sport where you compete against yourself there are very few rules. There are no hand balls, false starts, or cross checks. The only person you can cheat is yourself. I press my head up into roofs in order to earn back minuscule particles of lactic depletion. I grab my legs by my pants in order to put them on holds that my limited flexibility was preventing. Climbing is beautiful because of this grimy purity. It’s you, the wall, and whatever you can pull out of that bag of tricks. You do what you gotta do, its fine with me, but I sure as hell am going to jam my finger into that bolthole lickity split, and trust me, it feels gooooood.